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St. Cupcakes, the internationally-renowned school for would-be pharmaceutical sales representatives, has recently been widely and publicly criticised for the anti-social behaviour of some of its senior pupils. Headmaster of St. Cupcakes, the Reverend Maximillian Headroom (pictured left), spoke with Newtsweek about the school and its long and, until recently, distinguished history.

Newtsweek:Reverend, how long have you been Headmaster at St. Cupcakes?
Rev. Headroom: I became Headmaster in 2005, but my association with the school dates back to 1992, with the development of our new modern US campus at Deadwood, South Dakota (pictured right). Of course, the school itself dates back to over a hundred years before then, and I’m acutely aware of the traditions and standards that St. Cupcakes has come to represent over that time. We started out back then training the snake oil and comet pill salesman for the shysters that eventually grew to become some of the major pharmaceutical companies of today. I’m pleased to say that in practice, very little has changed over the years. We still pride ourselves on the high standards of our pupil intake, almost as much as we take pride in our alumni.

Just what are the required standards for new pupils?
Sexual attractiveness is the main factor that we look for in selecting our student intake these days. We expect our male students to be tall, muscular, clean-shaven athletes who look great in an Armani suit. College footballers always do well. Similarly, our female pupils need to be pretty young ladies with white teeth, a nice rack and who can turn heads when wearing high heels and higher hemlines. Former cheerleaders usually fit the bill.

What about academic qualifications?
Academic ability is over-rated within the sphere of pharmaceutical sales, we’ve come to realise. Being able to read and write is all we really need, along with good and self-confident presentation skills and a complete lack of conscience or scruples.

So what was the reason behind the recent expulsion of one of your Prefects?
As Headmaster, I’m far too busy and important to get involved in minor disciplinary matters. Those I leave to our very capable senior schoolmistress, Ms. Cruella Lustworthy (pictured left). But as I understand it, this particular student had been showing inappropriate videos to our younger pupils. We are naturally very careful in the selection of our educational materials, and we felt that once it became known that our impressionable younger students had been exposed to films with titles such as “A Bucket Full Of Dollars” and “A Few Buckets More”, action had to be seen to be taken.

But we understand that these films had been approved by both yourself and your teaching staff, with no objections raised until they made the headlines in the Daily Rost*?
Ha Ha! It sounds like you’ve been listening to tales from some of our more unruly pupils. Tittle-tattle is frowned upon at St. Cupcakes, and once we find out the identities of the seven or so ingrates who have been spreading these negative rumours, they’ll soon learn that no-one likes tell-tales…

But is it true?
You have to understand that the reason we expelled the Prefect was not that he showed the videos, but that he got caught doing so. In real life, large pharmaceutical companies put covert pressure upon their sales representatives to push back the boundaries of acceptable (or even legal) behaviour in the desperate pursuit of sales, but reps can hardly expect support from their companies when they get found doing so. It’s very important that our students understand that message prior to going out into the real world. The Prefect, an otherwise very bright and capable student, had to pay that price.

So is there any further ongoing disciplinary action related to the incident?
No. Absolutely not. A few pupils have been given detention and other typical punishments appropriate for minor misdemeanours, such as lines, and we now regard the matter as closed. I think that having to sit down and write out “I must not be a whistleblower or get caught advocating high-pressure or off-label sales practices” a hundred times or so soon reinforces the right kind of behaviour for would-be pharmaceutical sales representatives, don’t you? So there’s absolutely no need for the Schools Inspector to get involved at all, and we hope he sees it that way…

*St. Cupcakes Pupils In Shock Horror Porno Video Probe”